[Improbable Letter 5] This is my confession.

Dear Not-Naming-You,

We all have our faults. You told me yours. So here's mine:

I do things without thinking. Now this may contradict what I've told you before, that I overthink things. But, sometimes in the spur of the moment I do things. Things I should never do. And I say things. Things I really shouldn't say. And I can't take them back, ever. And my ego stops me from saying sorry most of the times. 

So I'm going to be a bitch. I'm going to be rude. And to be honest, I really don't like people all that much. But I like you. You're on heck of a friend. And I'm sorry for all the past, present and future things I will say or do without thinking.

Now I just wish I had the courage to send you this.

Love, Me.

Home.

I don't know where home is anymore.

Forever.

I love you. No matter what has happened to me, or what will happen, it's the one thing I know will never change. You're the yes to my no, the light to my dark and the smile to my memories.

You and me, it's a fantasy. A pipe dream so out of reach, it's barely even fucking visible.

Life is unfair. You put someone first who puts you second. You study your ass off for a final only to get a B in the class when you deserved an A. You give 110% to someone in a relationship when they only give 40%. You're there for your best friend at 3 a.m. when they need it the most, and the next day they don't pick up their phone. You give something your all and sometimes get little to nothing back. You care so much about someone who doesn't care enough about you to say hi once in a while. You give someone your time, and they give you "Sorry, I'm busy". It seems like you're giving everyone everything, and they're just walking away with it.

I pretend to want things I don't want, and I pretend not to want things I do want. No one gets hurt. Except me. The lines are so crossed and blurred at this point that I don't know what I want anymore. I just know I want it to be easy.

I have no idea what I want to do in life. Where to go for uni. Will probably get rejected from everywhere. Will end up having to major in something boring like Business which I don't even want to do. I don't know where my life is going. I need to get it in order. I've become so fucking lazy and distracted. People annoy the fuck out of me. I don't even know what I want to study. Everyone's getting university offers. I feel left out. I feel stupid. I keep letting down people. And I keep getting fucking compared to everyone else. I need something to look forward to. I need to know I won't be a disappointment. I need to sort my life out. And most of all I need something to believe in because whatever hope I had just got fucked.

I'm on my knees after a long long time. Because I'm so tired of not believing, I'll give you a try. Dear God, please help me?

fuck. my. life.

Don't forgot to call me, just to let me know you're doing okay, miles away from me. :)

He shines. In a world of ugliness. He matters. When everything else is meaningless.

In over my head

I wish I could put all my thoughts in a jar. I think too much. It causes me to over-think and analyze things I don't want to deal with. It gets too much for me to handle and I panic. I shut myself down and go to war with myself. I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm tired of being sick. I'm sick of being tired. I'm sick of feeling sad. Sick of wanting things and people I can't have. I don't like who I am, but I have to live with it. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going in life. For once, I just want to be at peace with myself.

Wonderwall

Because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me. And after all, you're my wonderwall.

You and Me on a perfect day.

I hate crushes. Especially on people you can't ever have. They're annoying. Stupid. Fuck you up. I hate it. Stupid bloody feelings. Damn it. I can't handle this all over again. DAMN IT.

Nobody said it was easy. No one ever said it would be this hard.

Take away everything I have. All the good deeds I've ever done. All the time I've been nice to someone. All the times I've done something nice without expecting something in return. All the times I've been on my knees, praying to a God I don't know exists. All my happy memories. Everytime I've made someone smile. Everything I've ever wanted.

Give him to me in return.

I've come to the point where nothing matters anymore, and things I used to care about aren't worth fighting for.

Just want to get through this year alive.

Bloody Expectations.

The worst feeling in the world is when you know you not only let yourself, but your entire team down. It's a feeling that eats you up from the inside. You're THIS close to victory, and your win can lead your team there.. and BAM! You don't win. And BAM! There goes your team's victory with you loss.

I hate this. This feeling of letting people down. I hate letting people down. I hate letting my team down. And most of all I hate letting people I love down.

Realisation.

Sometimes I wonder if I might be that one friend that everyone hates and bitches about behind her back.

Half Of My Heart.

One moment I think I've fallen for you and the very next you give me a reason to think again. All I know is I can't get you out of my mind but I'm having this feeling that I should give up right now. Half of my heart's got a real good imagination, half of my heart's got you.

I should start posting happy thoughts more just because I've been brooding over the same shit for way too long.

Summer's here. Time to forget whatever happened before this. I just got back from the mountains. I want to go back. It's way too hot here.

Also, be awesome and follow the other me too? -->

Even though I didn't know you.

You know, it's funny. Everyday I worry about my grades. My colleges. How I'm going to ever get into one. Make future plans. Spend hours thinking of stuff I want to make happen.

Not just me. Everyone does.

People die. Everyday. I've had a closed one pass away. But it's this death that's had a huge effect on me. Why, I ask myself. Maybe it's because he was friends with a lot of my friends. Maybe he was my age. Maybe because just like me, he was some guy who planned his future everyday.

Little did he know, little did anyone know that just a day after his exams would end, he would pass away so tragically. When I heard about him, even though I had no idea who he was I was shocked. Terrified. It could easily have been me. Could easily have been someone I know. Could easily have been me.

I don't know if I've done what I was supposed to do in this life.

All I know is that, I need to stop pushing people out. I need to start trusting again. I need to leave behind some reasons to be missed. People WILL let you down. Not everyone though. This world is full of pain. But there's love too. And I'm lucky enough to have it.

I don't know who I know personally reads this blog, and I like having it that way. But you never know who's going to die. And when. You never get the chance to say I love you a last time.

So I want to do it. If any of you guys read it: I love you guys. Way more than you know and way more than I show.

RIP, Faraz Khan. I didn't know you. I hadn't heard about you till two days back. But you've had an effect on me. Innalillahi wainnailahi rajioon.

"The butterflies I had once had were gone and all that was left were awkward smiles, faded memories and lingering feelings."

Read this somewhere. I want to feel like this. Soon. Very soon.

I’m sick of waking up angry. Of waking up to being upset. Of wanting to cry myself to sleep. I’m tired of having to sacrifice for others when they don’t give a God-damned shit about me. I wish I could just turn my brain off and that part of my heart that feels. I want to numb it, kill the nerves, stick a needle in them, numb them.

Pathetic isn't normally a word I would call myself, but looking back I'm ashamed at how stupid I was.

wear my heart on my sleeve.

Sometimes i look back on all the wrong turns i've made, and how many people i have loved, but ended up hurting. It makes me sick to see all of the regrets i have on a grand scale, but i know that i would never let down the people that love me. :)

"You give me butterflies, deep inside."

I don't hate you. I liked you until I figured out that it hurt a lot less to just not care.

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." - Eli Wiesel

So how's life treating you? Bringing you down?

You ever felt ugly, son? Like no one’s going to want you around? Felt like you don’t have a voice? That no one cares about anything you say? Son, have you ever felt like you aren’t needed? It’s something that knocks you down in life. You feel like giving up, and it breaks your confidence.

I, for one, can admit to having felt this way before, often all at once. The last thing I want to hear when I feel this way is verbal abuse thrown at me. It’s the type of thing you can’t ignore son.

If, in that moment, you look around, you’ll see people staring at you with their face in disgust. If you look deep in their eyes, you’ll feel a strong force against you. They’re angry. But why? Why are they angry at me? What have I done to offend them? Everything. Just existing makes them mad. Existing makes them mad, son.

Mostly though, people will just ignore you. That’s all they’re going to do. You try to say hi but they will cleanly go about, act like you’re just part of their shadow. But you know what, son? They don't matter. You go about in a world of your own with those that respect you. You go live your life and ignore those that don’t have respect for you. If people can’t accept you – wait, didn’t your mum used to say life isn’t about getting accepted by others, it’s about accepting yourself, feeling comfortable in your uh, own skin and all that jazz? That’s what you need to do, son. Go ahead and focus on your needs for a while.

So, son. What's it gonna be? You gonna let their so called popularity get to you or you gonna worry about being happy?

It’s those moments when you hang around in a room full of friends, where you gasp for breath between each laugh. It’s those moments where you get high on laughter and just breathing in so deep, you feel your lungs getting cold. That moment when you laugh so hard your stomach hurts.
For a second, that split second, you don’t care. You don’t care about school, about parents, about money, about rules, or broken hearts. Who you care about are the kids sitting next to you. ‘Cause it’s all we really need, isn’t it?

Those kids next to you.

Yeah, the ones who make you feel invincible, even at your weakest points.

Aimed at more than one person.

I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.I HATE YOU.

You're the high school heartache I'll tell my kids about.

Congratulations. You win. I have finally stopped trying. You're out of my life. Maybe for a while, maybe forever. But just remember, that when you realise that you lost one of your closest friends, it was your fault. Don't you dare try and pin this on me. I have done my fair share of messing up, but this one, is not my fault whatsoever.

Must.Stop.Thinking.

Even after every bad thing he'd done to me, every lie he'd ever told, every other girl he'd ever flirted with, i knew somewhere deep down inside he really did like me, in his own messed up way. Because you can't keep coming back to the same person time after time if those feelings aren't there.

Can't you see? You're my tragedy.

And honestly, I'm not sure if I should keep holding on or let go. It's stupid to hold on to something that just keeps hurting you, but it's also stupid to let go of everything you ever wanted.

But us teenage girls, we're really good at one thing: staying strong.

I am just so sick and tired of this. I want to be alright without you. I want to be able to go a month, a week, a day, an hour without thinking of you, without wondering why it is you don’t care at all anymore. I just am so sick and tired of needing you in my life knowing that you only make me sad.

love you forever; forever is over.

Moving on. Slowly, definitely. But I am.

But you know, it's difficult. It's difficult to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

And left a hole when you walked out.

My heart started beating fast, I blushed; my stomach got massive butterflies.

Even now, after all we've been through, I don't think you know how breathtaking you still are.

You're On My Mind, Love.

He was tall and she was short. He was loud and she was shy. He liked to party, she liked to stay at home and read. He listened to metal, she adored alternative. He played the guitar and she had never strummed a chord He was late nights, she was early mornings. He was handsome, and she never thought she was good enough.

They were different in many ways, but it was how they came together, when no one was looking, that caught them off guard.

"It just ended. And no matter how much I try to forget that it had happened, it will have never not happened." - HIMYM

You.

Does she watch your favorite movies?
Does she hold you when you cry?
Does she let you tell her all your favorite parts when you've seen it a million times?
Does she sing to all your music while you dance to "Purple Rain?"
Does she do all these things, like I used to?



THIS song. Current obsession. Hurts so much. Have it on repeat for the 5th hour now.

Quirks < 3

the way you roll your eyes.

the way you walk with your hands in your pocket.

the way that cute little dimple appears in your left cheek.

the way you teased me and I pretended to be mad but secretly loved it.

the way my heart didn't stop beating crazily whenever you said something good about me.

imissyoueventhoughishouldn't.don'tjudgeme.you'retheonewhodidthistome.

Just when I started opening up to you, you made me realise why I shut out the world.

I don't want anyone. Because I'm scared of the ending. I'm scared to like someone, open up completely, and then just get shut out. You give your heart away and then you just get it back but that one little piece is always gonna be missing.

We all have those people, you know?

The one who is always there, there for us through every single up and down of our life.

The one who is always right there, riding the coaster with you, squeezing your hand tight on all the biggest, scariest hills telling you, "You'll be okay, you'll make it through. You can do this." You know that that person will never hop off the coaster at a stopping point to find an easier ride; that one person will stick with you because they want to. This person, they complete you, they bring the biggest smile to your face and make your life worth living. You know that they will always be there for you, no matter what.

Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, and all three hundred sixty-five days of the year.

He said, she said.

He says sorry.

She says No.

He insists. I really am sorry.

She says no you're not.

He says I really am. Please? :(

She give in. She accepts his apology.

Same old story. What he doesn't know is that it hurts. And what she doesn't understand is why her heart always forgives him.

You said you loved me. You're a liar.

"He will try to take away my pain, and he might just make me smile, but the whole time I'm wishing he was you instead."

Do you know how much it hurts having to see and talk to you everyday and knowing that I'm not the reason why you're so happy? Do you know how much it hurts seeing that beautiful smile on your face everyday and knowing I'm not the reason behind that smile anymore? Do you know how much it hurts looking into those pair of beautiful eyes everyfuckingday and know I'm not the reason why they're shining like stars?

See these walls built up around me? You're the reason why I put them up. Because I've found it's foolish to trust someone, anyone. One day they'll say they love you and the next they'll be walking out the door. Because when you trust someone you give them the chance to break your heart. When you tear down the walls to let someone in, you make yourself vulnerable.

And that's what you did to me. That's exactly what you did to me. You made me vulnerable. You told me you loved me. You told me it was different this time. You told me you'd never leave me no matter how bad things got.

Tell me then how can you go around everyday with that smile on your face? Does your heart not hurt like mine? Does your heart still not beat crazily every time you see me? Do you not scroll through our old texts and wonder how you could let it all finish so easily?

"This is the last smile I'll fake for the sake of being with you".

I've had enough. Enough lies and deceit. How could you have let me down so easily. For the first time I was actually starting to believe love existed..

"And even when all your hope is gone, move along, move along, just to make it through."

After every storm comes a rainbow. I'm still waiting for mine, and hopefully it doesn't take too long to appear. It will take a while, and it will still hurt me every time I see you, but I'll do it.

And if you ever again realise that you were, in your words "wrong to be an ass to the one good thing that was happening to you", remember, "I'm long gone and moved on."

2011.

2010 was funny.

Went to a new school and met some people I really hope are in my life forever.

Had my heart broken and had my heart fixed.

But I started 2011 with a smile. I started 2011 talking to two people I'm really happy are in my life. I started 2011 not being depressed for the first time.

I have a good feeling about this year. I just do. *fingers crossed*