Bloody Expectations.

The worst feeling in the world is when you know you not only let yourself, but your entire team down. It's a feeling that eats you up from the inside. You're THIS close to victory, and your win can lead your team there.. and BAM! You don't win. And BAM! There goes your team's victory with you loss.

I hate this. This feeling of letting people down. I hate letting people down. I hate letting my team down. And most of all I hate letting people I love down.

Realisation.

Sometimes I wonder if I might be that one friend that everyone hates and bitches about behind her back.

Half Of My Heart.

One moment I think I've fallen for you and the very next you give me a reason to think again. All I know is I can't get you out of my mind but I'm having this feeling that I should give up right now. Half of my heart's got a real good imagination, half of my heart's got you.

I should start posting happy thoughts more just because I've been brooding over the same shit for way too long.

Summer's here. Time to forget whatever happened before this. I just got back from the mountains. I want to go back. It's way too hot here.

Also, be awesome and follow the other me too? -->

Even though I didn't know you.

You know, it's funny. Everyday I worry about my grades. My colleges. How I'm going to ever get into one. Make future plans. Spend hours thinking of stuff I want to make happen.

Not just me. Everyone does.

People die. Everyday. I've had a closed one pass away. But it's this death that's had a huge effect on me. Why, I ask myself. Maybe it's because he was friends with a lot of my friends. Maybe he was my age. Maybe because just like me, he was some guy who planned his future everyday.

Little did he know, little did anyone know that just a day after his exams would end, he would pass away so tragically. When I heard about him, even though I had no idea who he was I was shocked. Terrified. It could easily have been me. Could easily have been someone I know. Could easily have been me.

I don't know if I've done what I was supposed to do in this life.

All I know is that, I need to stop pushing people out. I need to start trusting again. I need to leave behind some reasons to be missed. People WILL let you down. Not everyone though. This world is full of pain. But there's love too. And I'm lucky enough to have it.

I don't know who I know personally reads this blog, and I like having it that way. But you never know who's going to die. And when. You never get the chance to say I love you a last time.

So I want to do it. If any of you guys read it: I love you guys. Way more than you know and way more than I show.

RIP, Faraz Khan. I didn't know you. I hadn't heard about you till two days back. But you've had an effect on me. Innalillahi wainnailahi rajioon.

"The butterflies I had once had were gone and all that was left were awkward smiles, faded memories and lingering feelings."

Read this somewhere. I want to feel like this. Soon. Very soon.

I’m sick of waking up angry. Of waking up to being upset. Of wanting to cry myself to sleep. I’m tired of having to sacrifice for others when they don’t give a God-damned shit about me. I wish I could just turn my brain off and that part of my heart that feels. I want to numb it, kill the nerves, stick a needle in them, numb them.